Waiting is a strategy many of us come up with to survive or get by.
We learn to wait our turn, or to wait till other’s have taken what they want.
We wait to be heard, to speak up, to say our peace.
Wait to get what you want – wait to ask for that you want, wait to even know what you want.
Recently I had another great break though moment.
I haven been consciously aware of the whole waiting thing in me for many years, and work with my sweet body on waiting consistently over time.
The other day I had an encounter with a childhood friend on social media – someone I hadn’t seen or heard of in decades.
I had it in my mind that she did not like me and would not remember me fondly based on something that happened in childhood.
I tentatively connected with her and we talked.
Turns out she laughed that thing off years ago, and instead remembered me and our time together with a lot of fun and fondness.
After we talked, I felt a lightness.
There had been a question I had been not feeling great about, but the next time I thought about it, I had a sense of expansive possibilities. I could now include the unknown, and not think of it is as a drain.
The unknown had become full of bright possibilities I hadn’t even yet imagined.
Time passed, and I put the 2 + 2 together.
I had been holding myself hostage for something that I judged as my bad from when I was in grade school, and I didn’t even know it.
I was waiting to pay for that “crime,” not just get off scot-free with some forgiveness.
I was waiting until I deserved things to get better.
I would not or could not allow myself to see other light, great possibilities, because I had judged that I didn’t deserve to.
Because of a past I had long forgotten, and the decisions, assumptions, promises I made in that moment of emotional intensity as a child way back when, I was living my life as if those decisions, assumptions, promises and all that I’d made were true all across time and forever. And they weren’t.
And suddenly, I had all kinds of wonderful possibilities available to me, mostly things I hadn’t even dared to imagine yet but now I could feel the energy of them, making them real, even if yet unnamable.
The original infraction had to do with flirting with a friend’s infatuation. The punishment I had heaped on myself and lived under was bad as if I had murdered someone; a young Catholic girl training in being human and a girl child is like a crime against humanity.
A few years ago, I learned that waiting has a cohort, hiding.
Hiding is what we do when we don’t feel safe; when we have something, we don’t want others to know because we want to control what they think of us.
During many of my waiting years, I was also hiding my shame.
I was ashamed of my petty larcenies and misdemeanors as though I was a worthless creature.
I was ashamed of having been sexually assaulted, as though the culture was right, and it was somehow my fault; and I was ashamed for how I didn’t just bounce back; how I did not experience it as no big deal, like the culture seemed to think it was.
I was ashamed and, so I hid it. I am waiting till I felt better. I did every psychology thing I could find to do, as well as energy healing and practice.
What I had no idea was also going on was – I was living a lie.
Me! The one who was always valuing, talking about and doing her best to live authentically!
The lie I did not realize that I was living in my hiding my shame and waiting to get better was – I agreed with all the nasty, heartless, thoughtless things I heard in my culture, and in my head.
By hiding I was agreeing that how I was not okay.
I was presenting a false front to people in the office not because I was standing up for myself and it was none of their business, but because they had the power in my mind, and since I thought they thought ick about me, I had to hide.
I could not see how it was the ick about me that I was thinking that was causing me so much pain, and duplicity.
I saw myself as weak and snivel because I was using that weakness to hide from people. I perfectly good strategy in a moment maybe but very costly to be stuck in!
Other people saw me as a leader or feisty or a pain in the ass, and the dissonance between pain in the ass and snivel is considerable = things didn’t add up.
When what you say and the energy of how you are are very different, people notice, and it makes them uneasy because – you don’t add up.
You don’t have to be perfect. Not now, not ever. Don’t crucify yourself like that anymore.
You don’t have to tell everyone your business; you don’t have to share your vulnerabilities with people who don’t deserve that richness of who you are – people who have not earned the right to know you.
You don’t have to wait till society understands you, or forgives you, or loves you.
You can find your own way to being on your side by waking up and choosing to be on your side, in every moment.
Stop waiting to be understanding and compassionate with yourself.
Stop judging yourself in distorted ways. Talk to someone trustworthy and get some perspective.
Stop agreeing with social media or any anonymous group about what’s right or wrong about you.
Stop waiting in hiding, and start loving you today.
Be on your side, and everything can start to unknot.
I am so grateful you are here!
To give you a taste of how much relief and energy you can experience as you stop waiting, Click here to join in on a Clearing Call this Sunday, 1/28, at 3:00 pm Eastern time $48